The Diagnosis: Do I Have Adultitis?

Although undetectable to the layperson, extensive tests have revealed that this man is in fact suffering from Adultitis.

Although undetectable to the layperson, extensive tests have revealed that this man is in fact suffering from Adultitis.

What does someone with Adultitis look like?

Adultitis does not make itself evident through obvious physical characteristics. It is equally prevalent in males and females, and across all races and nationalities (although we’ve seen an abnormally high concentration in France.) Extremely advanced cases of Adultitis can result in certain physiological appearances and behaviors, such as a wrinkled brow, hunched or droopy shoulders, a visibly frenetic pace, excessive frowning, and empty, zombie-like stares.

Jason Kotecki, world renowned Adultitis expert, has conducted thorough case studies that diagnose Adultitis levels in a wide variety of high-profile individuals.

How can someone tell if they have Adultitis?

First, consult the extensive list of warning signs below. If you or the person in question exhibits one or more of the warning signs, our in-depth intake can confirm the diagnosis.

What are the warning signs for Adultitis?

signs-of-adultitis

You might have Adultitis if…

    If you don't think this picture is at least a little funny, there is a high probability that you have Adultitis.

    If you don’t think this picture is at least a little funny, there is a high probability that you have Adultitis.

  • You can’t wait until they come up with a way to surgically fuse your cell phone to your head.
  • You’d definitely quit your current soul-sucking, black pit of death job if not for the great vision plan.
  • You go to work when it’s dark and you come home when it’s dark (and you don’t live in Alaska).
  • Your family often eats dinner in the SUV or around the microwave.
  • You don’t have any time for hobbies but you spend so much time watching TV that your DVR has filed a restraining order against you.
  • Your children are involved in more activities than the United Way.
  • The only reason you avoid nude beaches is because you’d have nowhere to clip your cell phone.
  • The last time you remember taking time off was when Michael Jackson was alive AND black.
  • The mere thought of being unable to check voicemail or e-mail for a 24-hour period makes you spontaneously combust.

Adultitis Intake
If you exhibit one or more of the above warning signs, complete the official intake to see if you have Adultitis.